what up peoples...this entry is rather long and not witty or funny like my usual...you've been warned.... it's been a very long and rainy past couple months...i've hidden myself away from the world in attempts to mask my depression and for all those who know me well, it takes alot to get me down...but God is and forever will remain faithful, it's only that I've never come against so much trial in a short period of time. School is over and for the first time in my life I am in charge of what I do. No one's ever blatantly tried to manage my life, but I've always done what's expected, and thus far school has been what was expected. I'm a graduate, an Alumn. What does that mean exactly? Nothing aside from the fact I've attended classes and worked janitorial jobs the last 4 years. In May i graduated and started at Fed Ex Ground, in my mind the modern slave drivers of the postal industry...it was a "temporary fix" all the while still living and taking care of The PAUL (For those of you who don't know I've lived and taken care of paul who is confined to a wheel chair for the past 2 years) It's my good deed that I sometimes regret in all honesty. In June I killed my car...slid my perrywinkle blue spirit into a ford f-150.... In July I turned 22 and went full time at fed ex, selling my soul for an extra hundred a week....borrowing cars every other day to get to hell In August i got a place over in dillsburg only a little while off from Messiah...still borrowing cars, mostly Adia's (those of you who don't know her, you're missing out) In September I got a new car kinda...Adia gave me her's under the condition I give it back when she returns from studying abroad...I killed that car too...slowed down to quick on the 78 and got rear ended, slid into a garder rail and snagged by a tracker trailer...thank God i'm not dead though sometimes i wish i were, heaven just seems like it'd be such a nice place...oh yeah and to top it off my most recent relationship failed around the same time though it very well may be entirely my fault Now for October...I had free rental car at the start of the month...it served me well...I even took it up to Michigan to see the niners take on the lions, a good escape, took my mind off the fact i'm still working at fed ex and can't find a job anywhere...so yeah I get back and all at once i'm reminded how bad my life is going right now....i kill the rental too...killed bambi in the process...that makes my tally 3 cars and one deer... But God is faithful and is teaching me despite it all to remain positive....a few weeks ago I landed a temp job with Cure international working on the development of an inventory database which was fun and made me feel alittle better about where my life is headed, it's good to do something aside from loading boxes, use my head alittle. Here's where stuff gets alot better. This week I landed a job with a hotel management company over in harrisburg (i'm not going to go into detail with this cuz it'll probably bore you), it deals with accounting and some pr work and if for nothing else it'll give me some very valuable office experience and get me off my feet...fed ex is hell. I think i'll quit fed ex entirely but i may hold on to it a bit longer just for some extra money....funny how the things you hate, if you have it around long enough, you grow dependant on. The last few months as much as I may deny it i've avoided people friends and family, I've tried to hide away in a corner during homecoming, stopped xanga and facebook, stopped emailing and following up, stop calling all because I was and still am scared to appear a failure(this is one of those blatently honest moments so don't think me a prideful person). Pride very well may have been the issue and it still may be. I don't know, i believe if for nothing else these past months may teach me patience and point out aspects of my character that aren't all that desirable. I am tired but blessed to be alive. PRAY FOR ME... That I find time amidst my busy days and nights to begin writing again...i've written hardily anything in my free time and it's always been a release and a passion. That this new job would be a start to a great career or at least give me some needed experience that might aid me in my journey down the "road of life." In a years time I plan to return to New York, pray that I'd be able to discern when the time is right, if any time is right at all. Pray that I be stronger....I believe the only reason i'm now starting to come online and reconnect with people is because of my current change of events as far as employment is concerned...i feel it's wrong of me and pretty rediculous that i act in such a way...I wish I were a stronger individual who didn't feel the need to hide the fact he's not satisfied with his profession or life for that matter...i want to be stronger, whatever that may mean and not be so inwardly focused. Thanx friends | 
